It was something different

I have spent a lot of my time on this site, writing about my feelings. More so then not, they have been about the loneliness while surrounded by others who have what I want. Or they have been about the fleeting feelings of a temporary crush that lasted a whole two dates. Thats what my last 3 years have felt like. A lot of hopeful rejection and rewriting it as redirection.

It has been a series of a lot of hope to people who don't want to commit, a whole lot of missing a feeling from someone I don't even know anymore and a lot of trying to accept their bread crumbing as a full meal..... news flash its not! I have been living in ebs and flows of resentment, while understanding my worth, but willing to match it to below the bare minimum of affection, because I just wanted to something or someone to actually work out.

It feels so silly to me now that I met you. A part of me doesn't want to speak this into existence on this site, because I have been using this platform to write poems about people who didn't even deserve my time writing about them. I want to keep you close to my chest, at least my internal monologue vocal gives me. Although I have shared your existence like news letter to everyone I know telling them about the boy I met on facebook market place, that may be giving me hope to potentially fall in love again. With whatever that means anymore.

Sometimes I worry about what I feel. Because does the truth live within the longevity or a healthy level of where commitment meets quality time and values? I get excited over someone quickly, believe in the dream before the foundation has even set. So its not that I question that I have feelings for you, as I worry about whether I am delusional in the happiness that it feels to be desired and wanted again. I am selling it as you are kind, which you are, and our dreams and values align which they do, but when does the whim of being wanted, allign with it being appropriate to actually have real feelings.

You have so many qualities I look for in a partner and I have never had to question your intentions. I think, I just question when its okay, not to feel delusional about you. You see people that seem happy in their relationships for years end it in a blink of an eye. That doesn't make me want to tread lightly, but something about us feels different. It feels promising, which I don't know if I can crack it up to the emotional maturity I've gained the last few years, or someone finally matching my energy, stable, assured and mutually committed. That statement has felt like a foreign statement to me the last few years.

I have always said, I could fall in like with almost anyone, of course depending if they are a good human or not. With that being said, you pursued me, which caught me off guard and for once, I didn't see it coming. I think initially, I could feel the nervous energy surrounding your forwardness and you not being what I expected. And initially, I really do wonder if my interests were persuaded by your intention and interrest in me. But we are a month after meeting and I have to say my feelings do feel very reel. Although I am a terrible romantic, as I try to explain to my brother why I want you to ask me to be your girlfriend. Granted you set me up to be able to dream in princess treatment. Between the flowers you showed up with the day after I initially met you and the effort you take to make sure you try to get to my door, before I do. You are either running the best love bombing scheme of all time, or maybe me adding a definite lable on things isn't such a stretch to reach for.

And although there is always that chance, for it to not be real, I wont know, unless I put myself in the position to feel again. Aside from the flowers and the door openings, everyday I feel reassured that our potential is tangible. I keep finding myself a reason to bring you up in every sentence, yes I know its probably annoying, but in the casual ways, like the way you process life, the way you think, the way you poke at me for me to react, but know when something is serious. The way I have cried over something not that serious, but you handle it like it wasn't irrational, You handled me like it mattered, whether or not you could empathize with it. Its interesting because I find comfort in the way we are imperfect. Its almost like it makes me feel like the differences and the way we see something makes this feel real, less infatuation and more security. The way you see the world very direct and dare as say on the lines of black and white, right and wrong and a world that used to be very much me. But the person I am today is chaotic and colorful, in a land full of lots of options, thoughts and no specific direction. So far, you take notice in our differences not as being faults, but as they are different. A challenge as a verb, not as a negative connotation. Its refreshing, my words are noted, but not used as a weapon, I can feel myself feeling safety within you, within us as a relationship.

You add intention within you simplistic wording, because its never a you or me thing, its about us. I think I have craved that compassion, that understanding of wanting to build a life with someone and you make me feel hopeful.