Word of the Day:悲憤慷慨

I was going to stream today and then she said it, " Take your meds." I know I have to, but it is something I completely dread. Also it was quite manipulative of her to say that at exactly my stream time ( which happens to be 4 pm. ) I was looking forward to streaming, or at least mentally preparing for it. I was going to try my best to do this especially since I chickened out of going to the shop today for some reason. I still feel bad about it, but all the preparation I did, didn't seem to make my anxiety go away. I think it was because I knew I had to be back by 4 and trying to make it back in that short of time made it seem like I had to rush for some reason. The pandemic sort of made me live on island time where I go at my own pace, but that isn't how the world usually works. I'll have you know I am not a lazy person (only a few weeks at a time). I am pretty good once I get motivated towards something. I am going to definitely go tomorrow.. There is more to it than just going I found, I have to sort of align myself to that goal and try to meet myself there. I don't know what I was doubting the whole time, I guess I usually prepare some sort of script or have some sort of idea planned; this overly eager and ambitious self of mine sometimes sabotages itself with the need to make sure everything goes right.

My friend told me to try emailing the place, and perhaps I should? I do know they have a website.. I feel kind of weird emailing them though. They seem like bougie wine drinkers that probably respect a forward approach more than a methodical and planned out email. No matter how bomb I am at that. Though this current journal betrays my former writing prowess, I use to love the idea of giving very thoughtful answers that were manicured and fashioned well for an email.

Scrolling through their Instagram makes me feel some things. It makes me feel hopeful in some ways, scared in others. It would be nice to be able to connect to my community in this way. It would definitely give me the position of townie that I have long avoided in my little basement of the mind. (The fantasy of living like Elli from Harvest Moon is calling me so badly.) But more importantly, it would allow me to learn something that has an actual, real world utility to it.

The idea of having a chocolate shop during the second Great Depression feels like a good move to make, it is something that actually boosts the moral of the people around you and brings a little happiness to the world.

Ah! Perhaps I should work on my resume? Yes, that makes complete sense. Either way this pans out, I should review that. It will be a good way of learning how to sell myself better anyway.

Well, I should probably stream now if I am going to tonight. Though I see some other people streaming in my discord and on my follow list, and the idea of competing with them really throws me off. I did read some tarot cards that told me not to give up and keep pushing towards my goals. I didn't want to cry on screen so I opt to write this journal entry before going on, but it sort of ran a little past time. I guess that is ok if I am phasing out of it right?

..... Right?