How Do You Handle Resentful Adult Children?

When you gave birth too your child, you had a vision of a happy joyous family, forever. Only that didn’t happen. Your child is grown now and his/her behavior is rude and resentful.

Maybe you can’t put your finger one what exactly happened, or it was a series of events…Whatever, here you are now, dealing with this person you don’t feel you even know anymore.

In this Reddit thread, the OP is dealing with her 19 year old daughter who just moved back in and not only doesn’t pay rent, but expects her parents to pay for all the expenses surrounding HER cat.

I think this response is right on the money:

“This is where you set a firm, loving boundary. It's not mean and it's not criticism. She has expenses that she needs to pay for herself and she needs to figure out how to pay for them. Sounds like you have not had a direct conversation about what she is responsible for. If you do not want to charge rent, that's up to you, but you should be clear about her being responsible for all her personal items (including a pet.)“

Dr. Jeffrey Bernstein finds that often adult children who find themselves struggling blame their parents for their own mistakes:

“Yes, I realize that tragic things happen to all of us, such as sudden health issues, car accidents, or traumas of one kind or another. But what about those adult children who deliberately create crises? Parents of struggling adult children who behave this way often feel like they are on call to fend off the next crisis.”

In this article, he advises you to shift from first responder to emotional coach:

“Your struggling adult child is likely emotionally immature and needs you to coach them to handle emotions and communicate more effectively. The more you see yourself as their coach (being calm, firm, and noncontrolling gets you into coach mode), the less you will feel stuck—or codependent—as a parent.”

Disconnecting From Your Adult Child

I know it sounds counterintuitive. You always want to be there for your kids, no matter what. And you are. But you don’t have to be interconnected to their daily lives.

Your kids need to learn to be independent and fend for themselves. They have to make their own decisions and realize the consequences.

My friend Wendy did it right. She raised three successful independent boys. All of them are in their late 20’s and early 30’s now. I remember her as being the most doting involved mother when they were little.

Now that her kids are fully formed adults, she maintains a hands-off approach. They call her when they need her, but not all the time. She doesn’t jump in and “save” them every time someone faces a problem. But she is a sounding board and offers advice only when requested.

She loves pickleball and spends her days enjoying herself rather than fretting over her children.

When I say “disconnect” I don’t mean to back out of your kids’ lives. But when they start blaming you for their mistakes, or in any way take out their frustrations on you, it is time to take a step back.

Sure, if your 20-something child wants to come back and live at home, fine. But before they even unload their stuff, set up rules. Even if you don’t want to charge rent, that is OK. But they need to get a job and pay for their basic expenses.

You’re not paying for their cat, their extra snacks or any “extras,” for that matter. And for goodness sake, keep your room clean!